Empathy: The Essential Ingredient for Active Listening

Have you ever come out of a conversation thinking, “That person doesn’t know anything about me or what I’m going through”? Maybe it left you feeling like there’s so much more to the story that you wish you could have shared, but the other person seemed rushed and like they just didn’t care about what you were going through.

Empathy means being aware of, or sensitive to, the experience, thoughts and feelings of another. It happens to be the most important element of active listening – the essential active listening ingredient.

In our last post in our series on active listening, we started with the letter “H” in our HEARD acronym to discuss the power of hearing and understanding. We practiced being fully present and listening intently.

Now, with our letter “E” for empathy, we’ll take this a step further. To improve our active listening—which means to improve mutual understanding—we must pause, slow down, and consider the experience of the person with whom we’re engaging in discussion. When you focus on empathy in a genuine and authentic way, you’ll be surprised at the lasting impact of even one conversation.

Challenge

·      Are you taking the time to understand someone else’s experience and allowing the person to share their true feelings? Are you making space to empathize with whatever it is they’re going through at that moment?

·      What is one example of a time when you asked open-ended questions and listened intently to help someone feel heard, and to show that you were being respectful of, and empathetic to, their situation? Did you use mirroring – shifting your verbal and physical behavior to mirror the person you’re speaking with?

·      Can you recall a time when you jumped right into a challenging work discussion without first asking how the person was doing and listening intently? How might the outcome have been different if you had prioritized empathy?

Scenario

Jose came to colleague Chandra with a challenging quandary: how to provide feedback to his new direct report (this was Jose’s first management role). Jose seemed hesitant to talk to Chandra about the situation because he had tried to discuss it with other colleagues, and in each of those conversations felt like he wasn’t being heard, so those discussions went nowhere.

Chandra began the conversation by asking Jose how he was doing. Instead of diving right into what she knew would be a difficult discussion, Chandra set the tone by first showing empathy.

Jose was visibly taken aback—in a positive way. In his experience, no one else had seemed to care about how he was doing or truly listened to him. Chandra went on to talk through the difficult situation with Jose, asking many open-ended questions, listening intently and nodding her head empathetically.

Chandra also “mirrored” Jose, a practice where you shift your verbal and physical behavior to more closely align with the behavioral style of the person across from you. Mirroring helps bring both sides to a common understanding of key points. Mirroring examples include modifying your voice volume and tenor, adjusting body language, and tweaking your general energy level.

Chandra and Jose’s connection grew much stronger after that one interaction. Jose later shared that he felt heard and that Chandra’s empathy was authentic.

P.S. You may be wondering: did Chandra also advise Jose to get management training? And the answer is yes.

That said, as of this writing, Jose’s organization hasn’t provided any management training resources, so his next step will be to have another crucial conversation – this time with his manager about adding management training for all managers in the next fiscal year budget!

Solution

Empathizing is the most important element of active listening. When you show empathy by trying to understand the other person’s experience and listening intently, the listener is comforted in feeling heard.

In this case, Jose and Chandra grew a stronger connection from Chandra spending just a few extra minutes to be empathetic and meet Jose on his level. Note: it’s very important to remember that this exchange be authentic, which we’ll discuss more in our next post!

Call to Action

Ready for your homework? Practice having conversations to improve your active listening.

Last month, we challenged you to carry out one purposeful active listening conversation each week for four weeks. How did that go?

This month, try going back to these same 3 - 4 people in your life and focus on empathy. Ask them how they’re doing. Try to understand where they’re coming from. Make space to listen intently and demonstrate your empathy for whatever is happening in their lives at that moment.

After each conversation, ask yourself:

·      Did I jump right in or did I slow down by asking the person how they’re doing and showing sincere empathy?

·      Did I ask open-ended questions and listen intently?

·      What’s one area I can improve on?

Interested in learning more about active listening? Check out HILT here: www.hazeninc.com/hazen-institute-for-leadership-training.